My Unpopular Opinion About Gay Marriage.

I finally have to come out (so to speak) and state what will likely be an unpopular opinion about the controversial topic of gay marriage. This is me cleaning out my inbox in preparation for the onslaught of hate mail. This is me taking a deep breath.

And this is me saying that NO, I do NOT believe that gays and straights should have equal rights when it comes to marriage.

There. I said it.

Now cool your jets and let me explain myself.

I believe in the sanctity of marriage. I believe marriage is an institution in which two people commit to love one another until death do they part. It is a tradition that runs deep in our culture, and I believe it should be taken seriously, not mocked by people who just can’t seem to grasp what it’s all about. It should represent a lifelong commitment, a solid bond. Marriage is not a platform to further one’s agenda or make a political point. A marriage creates a family, which should have values. You know…family values.

I think the answer is absolutely crystal clear: The heterosexual community must have its marriage rights revoked immediately.

We have clearly demonstrated that we are not capable of doing justice to such a sacred institution. We have shown an utter lack of respect for the marital union. Adultery is rampant; it’s even glorified by the media. Revolving-door marriages, single-parent households, “blended” families, and the like are becoming so common that it is almost shocking to learn that a couple has remained married past five years. Ten years is a marital marathon. Making it to fifteen years is a feat comparable to winning the Tour de France on a unicycle with a flat tire.

I will now present to you my twenty-five year plan for repairing the abysmal state of marriage in the United States:

For the next twenty-five years, heterosexuals will not be granted marriage licenses. All existing marriage licenses will be revoked and the marriages legally dissolved. Henceforth, heterosexual couples will be subject to denial of dependent status (including health insurance), fertility treatments, adoption, deceased partners’ pensions, the ability to make medical decisions for an injured or ill partner, and access to a dying partner’s bedside. At most, in some obnoxiously liberal rogue states, they may be permitted to have “civil unions”, in which they will grudgingly receive some of the benefits of marriage. If you’re that hellbent on getting married, Canada’s border is still open…but don’t expect your marriage to be recognized when you get back to the States.

Meanwhile, homosexuals will hereby be granted complete access to all benefits of marriage. They have clearly demonstrated their desire for it, and those who want it, may now have it. The homosexual community has twenty-five years to show that they can get it right.
Heterosexuals who wish to enjoy the benefits of marriage are more than welcome to marry someone of their own gender.

In twenty-five years, we will review. If the gay community has shown that they have marriage under control, they will continue to receive those rights.

If the heterosexual community apologizes to the gay community for denial of those rights, and apologizes to everyone for screwing marriage up so badly in the first place, then marital rights will be restored. Exceptions: Celebrities, philandering evangelists, and politicians. They will be required to wait an additional twenty-five years.

In conclusion, all of this discussion about gay marriage screwing up the “sanctity of marriage” are hypocritical and utterly ridiculous in light of the bang-up job straights have done in terms of preserving said sanctity. Think about it.

- Lori Witt, September 12, 2008