Dear Friends, Family, Adversaries, and Bank
Tellers,
Where the hell has 2013 gone? Seriously, we were
counting down to the Mayan apocalypse like five minutes ago, and then I went
into the other room to get some popcorn during the commercial break, and now
2013 is not only here, it’s almost over. Is the cat sitting on the fast forward
button again or something?
Anyway, it would seem that the holidays are upon
us again, which means it’s time for us to regale you all with our adventures
from 2013 and whatever we’re plotting and scheming for 2014. Let the games
begin…
As many of you are aware, we have been stationed
in the gleaming metropolis of Omahabad, Nebraskastan, since late 2011. After
living in Japan, we’ve understandably struggled with culture shock for the past
two years. However, with a great deal of effort, as well as patience on the
part of the locals, we’ve slowly adapted to the language and customs. I’m
fairly certain there are some we’ll never quite get the hang of, though, such
as driving ten under in the left lane and navigating parking lots that were
designed after cracked-out lab rat mazes. We will continue to try, though.
Also, it’s currently cold as balls and snowing. Beneath
the snow, the terrain is dead, yellow, and flat. Stop. SOS. Stop. Supplies
running low. Stop. Morale waning. Stop. Get us the hell out of here. Stop.
In the midst of adapting to the colorful Midwestern
world, we’ve also done a fair bit of traveling this year. In celebration of
being married for ten Earth years, we paid an airline an obscene amount of
money to fling us across the ocean in a sardine can at speeds the human body
was not designed to withstand, and for three weeks, we charmed London with our
quaint American ways and frequent swearing. Somehow, we were allowed to return to our native country at the end of
the trip, though we assume this was a clerical error on the part of the customs
department.
Whether out of a need to tempt fate and see if
customs caught—and corrected—its grievous error, or just an itch to get out of
Middle America for a little while, Lori went back to Europe in July, exploring
London and Manchester before jaunting over to Poland and Germany. Never fear!
She was not without adult supervision. Thanks to her trusty writing partner,
Aleksandr Voinov, Lori was always within earshot of a grownup. “Grownup” being the
local police and Interpol officers not-so-stealthily following Aleks around to
make sure he stays out of trouble. You didn’t think I meant him, did you?
In an unfortunate twist of events—and ironic,
considering his lack of supervision—Eddie
broke his foot in July. It wasn’t actually diagnosed as a break until October,
though, mostly because he kept the injury hidden. He understandably didn’t want
to explain to his command that he was injured while bravely and singlehandedly—well,
singlefootedly—battling a group of ninjas who were trying to make off with the
Sacred Hamster of Omaha’s Secret Society. In the end, though, pain drove him to
have his foot checked out, and in order to help the Society maintain its
secrecy, he fell on his proverbial sword and reported that the injury actually occurred
while falling out of bed. Lori was initially suspected of breaking his foot
during a routine bout of domestic violence, but was exonerated when documents—and
Interpol surveillance—showed she was in Europe at the time.
In between all of that nonsense, Eddie started
working on his Master’s degree in Security Management, which he’ll finish around
the end of 2014 barring any further interference by the ninjas and their never-ending
quest to obtain the Sacred Hamster. Lori continued to peddle smut, and began
co-writing with Cat Grant and Marie Sexton in addition to continuing her unholy
literary alliance with Aleksandr Voinov. The cats remain lazy, well-fed, and
mildly resentful over our recent travels.
In 2014, Eddie looks forward to studying and
graduating as well as taking the Chief Petty Officer exam. Lori will be writing
like a madwoman, and at some point, we hope to visit Europe at least once more
in an effort to see how long it takes customs to correct the aforementioned
clerical error.
We are also counting down the days until sometime
between late September and mid-November when we will pack up all our worldly
possessions, anger our felines, and relocate to wherever the Navy sees fit to
send us. In the meantime, we remain in Nebraska. Where it’s cold as balls.
Stop. Please send help. Stop. Hope… fading… Stop.
Happy Holidays, everyone!
Eddie, Lori, Tubby, Midget, & That Stupid
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