Good Cop, Bad Cop (Or: Why Lori is not, and will never be, a cop)

Eddie has been on traffic detail for the last couple of days. In other words, he's that nice young man in mirrored sunglasses who writes you a ticket for speeding and tells you to have a nice day. As we discuss his adventures in ticket writing, it has become clear that we have very different philosophies about how to deal with the less than cooperative. So...here is a brief list of things they (the speeders) said, what Eddie said in response, and what I would have said had I been there (which should give you some clue as to why I'm not a cop...):

Civilian: "I wasn't speeding."
Eddie: "I'm sorry ma'am, the radar gun says you were going X km/h..."
Me: "Yes you were." *writes ticket*

Some bitch with an attitude: "Where the hell did it say the speed limit was 15 km/h?"
Eddie: "Ma'am, the sign is right over there."
Me: "If you hadn't been going so fast, you'd have seen it. Now pay attention. And sign here."

The pissed-off wife of a driver: "Don't you have anything better to do?"
Eddie: "I'm sorry, Ma'am, but I have to write this..."
Me: "Yes. I could be writing you a ticket for running your mouth over the speed limit."

Speeder #1: "It wasn't me, it was the car behind me."
Eddie: "I clocked all of you."
Me: "Did he hit you? No? Then you were obviously going as fast or faster. Douchenozzle..."

Some high-ranking blowhard: "I outrank you!"
Eddie: "Yes, you do, but I still have to write you this ticket."
Me: "You may outrank me, but General Radar Gun here outranks both of us, and he says you were speeding. Please sign here."

Speeder #2: "I accidentally stepped on my accelerator."
Eddie: *sigh* *gives warning*
Me: "Well, I just accidentally wrote you a ticket. Do have a nice day."

Speeder #3: "My speedometer doesn't work."
Eddie: "Ma'am, you need to make sure your car is in good repair or you can't drive it on base."
Me: "Unfortunately for you, my pen does work..."

Speeder #4: "I didn't see the sign."
Eddie: "All installations in the area have the same speed limit in and out of the gates, Sir..."
Me: "Then you need to give me your driver's license and invest in a seeing eye dog." *writes ticket*

Speeder #5: "I didn't realize I was going that fast."
Eddie: "Well, I'll let you off with a warning..."
Me: "Well, now you know." *writes ticket*
Me #2: "You learn something new everyday." *writes ticket*

Speeder #6: "How accurate is your radar gun?"
Eddie: "It's calibrated according to military standards."
Me: "Accurate enough to bust your sorry speeding ass." *writes ticket*

More to come, I'm sure...but my sarcasm would probably have me fired in no time flat. This, my friends, is why I am not - and will never be - a cop.