Thursday, December 4, 2008

Good Cop, Bad Cop (Or: Why Lori is not, and will never be, a cop)

Eddie has been on traffic detail for the last couple of days. In other words, he's that nice young man in mirrored sunglasses who writes you a ticket for speeding and tells you to have a nice day. As we discuss his adventures in ticket writing, it has become clear that we have very different philosophies about how to deal with the less than cooperative. is a brief list of things they (the speeders) said, what Eddie said in response, and what I would have said had I been there (which should give you some clue as to why I'm not a cop...):

Civilian: "I wasn't speeding."
Eddie: "I'm sorry ma'am, the radar gun says you were going X km/h..."
Me: "Yes you were." *writes ticket*

Some bitch with an attitude: "Where the hell did it say the speed limit was 15 km/h?"
Eddie: "Ma'am, the sign is right over there."
Me: "If you hadn't been going so fast, you'd have seen it. Now pay attention. And sign here."

The pissed-off wife of a driver: "Don't you have anything better to do?"
Eddie: "I'm sorry, Ma'am, but I have to write this..."
Me: "Yes. I could be writing you a ticket for running your mouth over the speed limit."

Speeder #1: "It wasn't me, it was the car behind me."
Eddie: "I clocked all of you."
Me: "Did he hit you? No? Then you were obviously going as fast or faster. Douchenozzle..."

Some high-ranking blowhard: "I outrank you!"
Eddie: "Yes, you do, but I still have to write you this ticket."
Me: "You may outrank me, but General Radar Gun here outranks both of us, and he says you were speeding. Please sign here."

Speeder #2: "I accidentally stepped on my accelerator."
Eddie: *sigh* *gives warning*
Me: "Well, I just accidentally wrote you a ticket. Do have a nice day."

Speeder #3: "My speedometer doesn't work."
Eddie: "Ma'am, you need to make sure your car is in good repair or you can't drive it on base."
Me: "Unfortunately for you, my pen does work..."

Speeder #4: "I didn't see the sign."
Eddie: "All installations in the area have the same speed limit in and out of the gates, Sir..."
Me: "Then you need to give me your driver's license and invest in a seeing eye dog." *writes ticket*

Speeder #5: "I didn't realize I was going that fast."
Eddie: "Well, I'll let you off with a warning..."
Me: "Well, now you know." *writes ticket*
Me #2: "You learn something new everyday." *writes ticket*

Speeder #6: "How accurate is your radar gun?"
Eddie: "It's calibrated according to military standards."
Me: "Accurate enough to bust your sorry speeding ass." *writes ticket*

More to come, I'm sure...but my sarcasm would probably have me fired in no time flat. This, my friends, is why I am not - and will never be - a cop.


  1. *snort*


    reminds self not to read Lori's posts while drinking wine...

  2. And all this time I thought the reason you were not a cop was because you could be bought with sexual bribes,