Monday, December 29, 2008

A Review of "The WTF-Files"

I saw "The WTF-Files" tonight. Oh, I'm sorry, I meant "The X-Files". As in, the second movie. "I Want to Believe". Sure. I want to believe this movie didn't suck, but unfortunately, I'm having only slightly less trouble believing that than believing in the existence of purple flying tarantulas.

After seeing it, the only thing I can say is...WTF?!?!?!? I mean, srsly. WTF, Chris Carter???


There were many, many reasons why it sucked, but here are the top 10 in no particular order:
  1. WTF happened to Mulder and Scully's baby??? Not fair to just have Mulder make a comment about "our son leaving a hole in both of our hearts". WHUT happened? (Unless that was mentioned in the last season and I just don't remember...)
  2. No Skinner until the last 10 minutes of the movie.
  3. Nothing about government conspiracies except for a lame attempt at the very end.
  4. Nothing about aliens at all except for a stupid comment about Mulder's sister being abducted by ET.
  5. Speaking of Mulder's sister, I seem to recall he has been at peace with his sister's death - yes, death, they figured out she's FUCKING DEAD - since like the 7th season or something. Why make him all emo or haunted about it NOW?
  6. The ONLY X-Filesish thing in the whole fucking movie was some might've-been-but-now-we'll-never-know psychic. That's it. Really.
  7. So first Mulder's living alone out in some remote BFE. Then he and Scully are in bed together making thinly veiled sexual innuendos and cuddling. Then they're making cryptic comments about why they aren't together (?) anymore (?) and why she fell in love with him (?) and....?????
  8. This is The X-Files. I expect a certain amount of cool action and special effects. WTF was the special effects budget??? FOOD STAMPS???
  9. Was this a movie, or a thinly veiled commentary on stem cell research, medical care, and gay marriage? Because unless the stem cells came from alien fetuses, I really don't want to hear about it on THE X-FILES.
  10. WTF? WTF? WTF? WTF? WTF?

On the overall universal list of "worst movie ever made" this one ranks somewhere between "feardotcom" and "One Night In Paris", with the WTF-factor of the former and the special effects budget of the latter. Srsly.

Chris Carter, you're off my Christmas card list.

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