I am childfree by choice.
Yes, I'm one of those people who deliberately and unabashedly choose not to procreate.
What I am not is a child-hater. I'm not a parent-hater. (No, I don't have a lot of patience with parents who allow - key word: allow - their children to behave obnoxiously without consequence or intervention, but I don't hate parents) I'm not some selfish twat who refuses to give of myself or some nonsense like that.
I am simply someone who does not have and does not wish to have children.
It really is that simple.
However, there seem to be a lot of misconceptions (SEE WHAT I DID THERE?) about the childfree, and I wish to clear some of them up. Because, quite frankly, I'm tired of self-righteous know-it-alls judging my character or telling me what I think/want/feel based solely on my voluntary lack of children. Some of the questions and comments really get under my skin. So. Without further adieu...
- Who will take care of you when you're older? My response to this is two-pronged: a) Having children as insurance for elder care is pretty fucked up and b) there's no guarantee your children will take care of you either.
- Why do you hate children so much? I don't. I just don't wish to have any of my own. I fully intend to spoil my neices and nephews rotten and be the wicked cool eccentric aunt who lives a million miles away. I was not born to be a parent, I was born to be an aunt.
- Don't you want to care for and nurture something? I have cats. Next...
- You're selfish. Let me get this straight: I recognize that what I want out of life is incongruous with parenthood, so I elect not to have children who might resent or be resented...and that makes me selfish?
- You'll change your mind. Actually, I did change my mind...I went from wanting kids to absolutely not wanting them. Minds can change both ways.
- You'll regret it. I'd rather regret not having children than regret having them. And yes, there are people who regret having children. I don't wish to be one of them. If I have them and regret them, then what?
- But...it's just what you do after you get married. If you so choose, yes. I don't.
- You're withholding grandchildren from your parents. See, I happen to be blessed with wicked cool parents who believe that my life is my own and don't feel the need to put pressure on me to provide them with happiness in the form of grandchildren. Yep, that's right, my friends: I got the cool parents.
- You're depriving your husband of children. He's childfree too. We're good.
- Don't you want to carry on your husband's name? It's just a name. Isn't enough to make me want to undertake the responsibility of parenthood.
- You're not a real woman until you have children. Really?? So I'm imaginary then?? Does that mean I get superpowers? 'Cause that would kick ass. Okay, seriously. What kind of nonsense is this? And when does it stop? Am I not a real woman until I've had one? Two? Three? Bottom line is that I'm not interested in proving to someone else that I am a "real woman". I'm certainly not going to bring a child into the world to prove it. If I feel the need to prove something to you, I'll armwrestle you and call it a day.
- But, but, pregnancy and childbirth are life-altering experiences. So they are. However, they would alter my life in ways I don't wish to have it altered.
- You don't know what tired/busy/frazzled is until you have children. Wait, weren't you just trying to convince me I should have children? Because telling me this when I am tired/busy/frazzled isn't doing much to help your case. Seriously. And really, how insulting is this? Just because I don't share your fatigue, stress, or the cause thereof does not negate what may be going on in my life at a given time. We all have our crosses to bear. Don't be a martyr about it.
- Don't you want a family? I have a family.
- Your child could be the one who cures cancer. Or s/he could be a serial killer. Given the number of serial killers throughout history vs the number of people who have cured cancer, I'm not crazy about those odds.
- There's something wrong with you if you don't want children. Um, no. No, there really isn't. I recognize who I am and what I want out of life, and live accordingly. There is nothing wrong with that.
- You don't know what love is until you have a child. Of all the things people say, this is by far the most offensive. I mean...really? Stop and think about this, folks. I may never know what it's like to love a child of my own, but don't think for a second that I don't know what love is. How appallingly narcissistic to believe that unless one doesn't follow your path in life, they don't know what love (or happiness) really is.
All I ask, my friends, is that you respect my path for what it is, and let me walk it without judgment.
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Argh I hate people like that. Although I will admit the idea of not wanting children is not something I will ever truly understand I can still respect the choice.
ReplyDeleteNo matter what reproductive choice you make though people will question it.
Why don't you want kids?
Why only one?
Why so many?
Aren't you going to try for a boy/girl?
Why so far apart?
Really the list goes on but you get the gist.
And the funny thing is it seems to be mostly women who engage in this pissing contest as though by demeaning the choices of others they prove their way was the best.
UGH I hate this. I get this all the time, too. For Lori's readers who don't know me, my husband and I are also choosing not to have children. Ever. Neither of us has ever wanted them. I was never into "Being a mommy," even when I was a little girl. I didn't play with dolls, and when I played "house" with my sister I always insisted that I played as the Daddy so I didn't have to do all the "childcare" jobs. My mother claims she has always known I will never have kids, but she still occasionally tries to guilt-trip me into it. She already has one grandkid with another on the way, though, so she is at last starting to STFU about it.
ReplyDeleteMy husband was the eldest of nine kids, with a single mom. Enough said. He got a vasectomy when he was 25, and I fully supported his choice.
Vasectomies rule, by the way.
Will and I are THE AWESOMEST AUNT AND UNCLE EVAR. Actually, Will really doesn't like babies or toddlers, so he's saving all his awesome until our family's kidlets are older and better able to appreciate things like practical jokes, video games, and monster stories. I'm a cool enough aunt already that my not-quite-two-year-old nephew wanders around the house saying "Auntie! Auntie!" and pretends to call me on the phone. I adore him and love spending time with him, but hell if I want one of my own.
I also hate it when people claim you're "selfish" if you don't want to be a parent. Uh -- excuse me? You're selfish EITHER WAY. If you choose to put your own desires first and not have kids, you're selfish by definition. If you choose to have children, you are also a selfish bastard, possibly more selfish: LOOK AROUND YOU. The world doesn't need more people. What is so damn special about YOUR genes that they need to replicate? And if you're NOT having a kid out of selfishness, then why aren't you adopting one who desperately needs a home?
A final note: I laugh in people's faces when they ask why Will and I don't want to preserve our last name. All possible future Mistrettas should be thanking us for not passing that beast along to them. Do you KNOW how many times we have to spell it for people? IT'S PHONETIC, YOU MORONS!!
Libbie - Totally with you on all counts.
ReplyDeleteMisa - Gotta love it. No matter what you do, someone's going to judge you. Can't everyone just STFU and live & let live?
GAH...
Like Lori, I went from wanting to have children to not wanting them. I wanted to have them initially because of my upbringing. It was just something you do. You get married. You have children. You don't really think about it as a choice.
ReplyDeleteBut then thanks to my very non-traditional marriage to a white guy (I am Indian), I did see it a choice. And have been considering it for a long time, and I would say now I am pretty much certain I don't want kids.
I have got far too many things I want to do in my life, and if I were to be a mother, I would want to be an excellent mother. Being an excellent mother involves a lot of sacrifice of time and money on your part to give to your kids, so I would rather skip all that and what annoying people call "Be Selfish."
Majority of people I know do not understand it. They do call it selfish. But all I say to them is that it is actually my life and as such I am perfectly entitled to do what I wish.
I've only recently started reading your blog and let me say that I too, am child-free by choice. Oldest of (only) two in a single parent family and I got my need to be mommy taken care of by the time I was 18 and out of the house ;-)
ReplyDeleteYou and I, very similar people. I, too, was blessed with kick ass parents that accept the choices that I make and have consigned to the fact that they have a granddog, not a grandkid. I am actually repulsed by the notion of being pregnant and having a parasitic entity growing inside of me. Not every female is born to be a mother and not every one of us wants to have children. That choice doesn't negate my vagina. It's just a choice. Society needs to get over it. Besides, there are way too many people on this planet anyway. I'd rather not contribute to that.
ReplyDeleteI am seriously considering adopting and/or fostering (nationally, there are enough kids in the US that need help before we put our hands out to adopting kids from other countries, I think) simply because there are so many children that have been abandoned by their parents that don't know what love is and I want to help. That part keeps drawing out the altruism in me. Plus I can get a kid that already knows how to wipe his own ass. Bonus.
LOL Donna that wipe their own ass comment cracked me up. My husband and I are considering adopting number four and I told him if we do we are SO getting one that is potty trained and sleeps through the night.
ReplyDeleteCongrats on officially coming out as CF! Is it more difficult to come clean as a military wife? Love your bingo responses.. especially the serial killer one! I also used to think that having kids is just what you do.. thank goodness I figured out I had a choice before I followed through on that!
ReplyDeleteOh for pity's sake, what kind of idiot wants to convince someone who doesn't want children to have them? It's too much work to be hoisted on people who don't feel a desire to do it.
ReplyDeleteI'm actually that way about marriage - I'd rather just have the kids. I've allowed myself to be convinced that being married is just what you you do. I'm only now learning how not to hold it against the guy I used to really enjoy being with before he became my "husband". Poor bugger.
Right on, Sistah! You've said it all! Kewl Aunts RULE!
ReplyDeletegruuvigirl - Re: Military wives...I've never exactly kept it hidden that I'm CF, and yes, there seems to be a bit of a stigma attached to it. We've had people turn their noses up at us and get downright rude when they find out we neither have nor want children. I've never really fit into the wives' groups anyway, but since I've decided to remain CF, even less so. As such, most of my friends here on the island are the single guys my husband works with and one - yes ONE - of the wives on another base who has children and is perfectly okay with the fact that I don't.
ReplyDeleteI recently went back to Idaho to visit my very Mormon family. Rather than explain to them over and over again that I really don't WANT to have kids (at 29, I'm WAY OLD to not have any kids by Mormon standards), I started using the canned answer, "My husband can't get me pregnant." It's totally true -- he had a vasectomy -- but they don't need to know all the details.
ReplyDeleteOh yes, I've fallen back on the "can't" card a few times myself. Of course, then that can spark the whole "ZOMG YOU COULD ADOPT OR TRY THIS METHOD OR OR OR" thing.
ReplyDeleteUsually, I just say "I don't want kids" and give them THE LOOK(tm). You know, the "go ahead, I dare you" look. Quite effective, most of the time...
Thank you for this great article and the bingo comebacks. Women who criticise other women for not having children really are the worst.
ReplyDeleteWow, I really loved your article. It's AWESOME! I especially like your come-back to those that tell us that we'll ''change our mind.'' Just like you, I changed my mind too! I used to want them (mostly due to upbringing), but now I feel kind of like the cat with the cheshire grin---like I got away with something brilliant while all the mommies suffer!!!
ReplyDeleteCHILD-FREE IS THE WAY TO GO!!!!!!!!