Sunday, March 21, 2010

Giving Myself a Pass.

It's been just over two months since my last self-imposed grounding, and I hate the idea of doing it again, but it must be done. This time, it's more than just burnout or fatigue. I've got some medical stuff going on that I won't go into detail about (nothing serious, just not public knowledge), and the treatment thereof has resulted in a lovely bout of depression. It's been years since I've experienced this kind of a funk, and it's not fun.

It's also impeding my writing, which isn't helping to alleviate the depression in the slightest. It's a lovely little cycle...depressed --> hinders writing --> more depressed --> less writing --> more depressed --> etc.

I convinced myself last night to lower my word count goals for a little while, to just write as much as I can each day, etc. Scarlett suggested 2,500 instead of 5,000, which is piss easy for me. So that was the plan. Sit down, write 2,500 words, then write more if I felt like it.

But today? It's just not happening. The enthusiasm for the story is there, it's just not making it to my fingers.

I know this is a temporary thing, and it will pass, but the fact is, it's killing my ability to write at the moment. The more I struggle with it, the worse it gets. Too depressed to write, but staring at a flashing cursor for 2 solid hours (not kidding) makes me more depressed, which makes it even harder to write.

There's also the lovely little depression demons who whisper things in my ears and make me doubt myself, my writing, etc. A valuable tip from Scarlett? Just tell myself, "It lies." And it does help. The only problem is, I can't always tell where the depression demons end and the actual, legitimate doubt/questioning about my book begins. Am I doubting it because the demons are telling me to? Or is there really a problem with the story?

So...instead of making matters worse by torturing myself, I'm giving myself a pass until April 1. Why so long? Well, that should be enough time for this treatment to run its course, and also, I have a friend coming to visit for the last week of the month, so I'll be doing vacationlike things anyway. The time off and the visit from Loki (yay!!) should do me some good and clear my head, and afterward, I can get back to work.

As it is, I'm not too thrilled with my productivity for 2010 so far -- I mean, I did a million in 2009, and in the first quarter of 2010, I've not yet hit 150,000 -- but such is life. I've only finished one first draft so far this year. Blah. But taking care of myself needs to be a priority, and once this little setback has passed, I see no reason not to get back into the swing of things and write at my usual clip.

This is a temporary setback and nothing more. It sucks, it's miserable, I feel like a slug, but that which doesn't kill me makes me stronger.

And, as Scarlett pointed out, it can't be all bad, because I live in the same universe as Colin Farrell.
So...don't expect many writing updates in the next couple of weeks. However, I will be out and about with Loki and taking gobs of pictures around the island, so there will likely be lots of Japanistan blog entries for a while. Oh, and mancandy. There will be mancandy.


  1. I totally understand where you're coming from, because I'm there myself right now.

    I'm not going to give you a pep talk or pithy statements. Just a big hug and a request to keep up the mancandy *g*

  2. I get that a lot, it does suck. I'm trying the million thing this year and I haven't gotten too far either. Maybe it's the time of year. I hope you get through it too.

  3. It does lie. And taking care of yourself is important.

  4. Mmm, Colin...

    What? You all expected me to say something mature and supportive?