It's really a wonder I've never been fired.

While going through my hard drive today, I came across some fake memos I wrote while working at a jewelry store a few years ago. I actually posted them in the store, to the delight of my co-workers and manager (who often didn't realize they were fake until a few lines in). Somehow, the brass (i.e., regional VP and/or district manager) never saw them, or I probably would have caught some serious hell.

So, here they are, with names changed to protect the guilty, including the name of the company, which I will refer to as Tarnished Crap, Inc.

After our not-so-popular regional VP was demoted:

Subject: Douchebag Von Poopyhead, Regional VP

The powers that be have made the decision to demote Regional VP Douchebag Von Poopyhead to the rank of District Manager. His replacement will be Bobo, a ring-tailed Baboon with Tourette’s syndrome recently imported to the United States from Zimbabwe. He is still learning English, but we are certain you all will be model Tarnished Crap, Inc, employees and make him feel welcome. Some of his habits include random outbursts of incomprehensible screaming, eating his own feces, and attempting to mate with furniture, so he should be easy to get along with for all of you who knew Douchebag.

Action Steps:

* Make your new Regional VP, Bobo, feel welcome at Tarnished Crap, Inc.

* Should you encounter Douchebag on the streets or within the company, please do not discuss the new circumstances with him. Just point at him and laugh.

When a new system of calculating commissions went into effect:

Re: Changes to Tarnished Crap, Inc’s Commission Program

After the disastrous end to Tarnished Crap Inc’s fiscal year, it has come to our attention that most of our salespeople will be receiving dismal commissions despite their efforts. As a result, we have come to the conclusion that we need to make some changes to our commission program.

Starting in March 2001, commissions will now be determined by using the following equation:

(xy² –p) + (m/f - a)

d

Where x is equal to the number of charge repairs taken by the salesperson, y is the number of credit applications taken by the salesperson, p is the angle at which the Earth’s axis is to Venus’ at the end of the fiscal month, m is the net sales the store manager had that month, f is the net sales for the lowest ranking office person in the company, a is equal to the district manager’s car payment, and d is a number to be determined at will by your district manager.

Action Steps:

* Go to a library or used bookstore (not on company time) and brush up on your algebra skills. You will be required to work out the equation yourself. In your head.

[all of our memos contained these disclaimers, so I decided to take a few liberties with it on this one...]

This message contains privileged information. If you believe you received this message in error, please publish it on the Internet so that everyone may be aware of the corruption going on within the walls of the great seething monolith of doom known as "our home office". Or, if you are so inclined, call our home office to let them know you received the message, thus causing the person who accidentally sent it to you to be unjustly fired, which will be something you get to carry with you to your grave. You be the judge. And for a good time, call 1(800) 555-5555. Or you may contact our home office by sending a letter to 1 Lost Soul Rd, Hell, VA, 11666. Who the hell would base their home office in Virginia, anyway? The same people that hired a ring-tailed monkey with Tourette’s syndrome to replace a perfectly competent (snicker) regional VP, that’s who.

When they made changes to our already uber-inefficient pain in the ass of a system for handling repairs for customers:

Re: Repairs

It has come to our attention that too much time is spent utilizing our inefficient method of processing repairs. Our new program will be as follows:

Charged Repairs: [translation: customer is going to pay for the repair]

1. Fill out the repair slip.

2. Have the customer sign it.

3. Draw an accurate portrait of the customer so that they will not need to provide a photo ID when they come in to pick it up. (art classes, if necessary, will be at your expense on your own time)

4. Process as normal.

No Charge Repairs: [customer is not paying, for whatever reason]

1. Complete the steps above.

2. Instead of ringing up the no charge repairs, you will be required to fold the repair slips into elaborate Origami shapes. No paper cranes will be allowed, and the same figure may not be used twice. All vital information on the repair slip must still be visible for the auditor without disturbing the Origami figure.

3. Tap out the job number in Morse code on the computer screen. This serves no purpose except to waste the time of the office people. The tapping will be recorded by a small device within the computer, whose contents may be reviewed only by the auditor. She will know if you haven’t done your tapping.

4. File the repair into the most difficult to open drawer in the store in a box that isn’t quite big enough to hold them.

5. Paper cuts are not grounds for Labor and Industries or Worker’s Comp claims, regardless of how deep they cut into an artery.

When our regional auditor quit and they were looking for a new auditor:

To: All Stores

Federal and State prisons

Internal Revenue Service

Mercenaries in Douchebag Von Poopyhead’s Rolodex

Re: Job Opening

Description: Auditor

Location: In and around Seattle area

Job Requirements: High tolerance for heat, willingness to move south (very far south) to a very hot location for all eternity, ability to meet quota of souls collected each month, ability to handle a sithe, no conscience allowed.

Salary: 14 raw lizards per week for meals, housing costs.

Language Requirements: Must have a practiced maniacal cackle, be able to sneer and speak incomprehensibly at the same time.

Computer Requirements: Must be able to type astronomically fast while casting scathing glances between employees, must be able to dig up perfectly useless data quickly and efficiently.

Special Requirements: Must be willing to give up your own soul to the devil. Not having a soul to begin with is a definite plus.

People Skills: None

***

So yeah...somehow I managed to avoid being fired. Though actually, given how annoyed I was with Tarnished Crap, Inc, at any given time, I think being fired might have actually been a good thing...