Friday, December 3, 2010

The Annual Christmas Letter - 2010

Dear friends, family, and co-conspirators,

It has come to our attention that it is once again that time of year. No, not the time when we carve faces into colored eggs, fill pumpkins with fireworks, or dress rabbits up in costumes to go door-to-door asking if people will be their Valentines. That’s right, it’s the Christmas season. Naturally, that means it’s time for the annual Christmas letter.

Ahem. *clears throat*

After two years in Japan, we’re starting to the get the hang of things. Communicating with the locals is still challenging, though. The Japanese language has many nuances and intricacies that are foreign and intimidating to simple-minded twits like us, and we’ve hit a few speedbumps here and there. Like, for example, the time I tried to ask for an extra packet of soy sauce, then woke up in an ice-filled bathtub with sutures over my right kidney. For the sake of my remaining kidney, I’ve reverted back to using flashcards, gestures, and, when applicable, semaphore. At this time, there have been no further catastrophic miscommunications.

As blog followers and Facebook friends have undoubtedly gathered, we have taken up snorkeling in the crystal clear waters around the island. This mostly consists of trying to keep saltwater out of contact lenses, taking pictures of things that don’t want to hold still, and defogging dive masks. We’ve also put in a lot of time and energy molesting or harassing creatures that, when molested or harassed, have been known to bite, sting, attack, maim, and kill. Not necessarily in that order. Thus far, the only casualty has been a minor sting from a sea urchin. Oh, and a lot of saltwater under contact lenses.

In March, unlike the rest of you who fall back on these things like “jobs” and “responsibilities” and “holy crap, the airfare is how much?”, Loki came to visit us. The three of us rained terror and havoc on this tiny, unsuspecting island, and somehow managed to keep from being deported. Loki and I even managed to get some writing done. In the weeks following her visit, Okinawan therapists reported a 47.3% increase in their workloads. It is not known if these two events are related, but it wouldn’t surprise us.

Moving right along…we returned to the States for a few weeks in April and May so that Lori could touch Jared and Shannon Leto. We had an incredible time at the 30 Seconds to Mars concert, Lori accomplished her mission, and we also did silly things like visit friends and family. We also wasted three hours and twenty-some odd dollars to see the unholy monstrosity that is The Clash of the Titans, but then Lori won a grand or so on a penny slot machine, so it all balanced out.

In July, Eddie figured out how to cure cancer, but before he could write it down, he was distracted by something shiny. Subsequent attempts to jog his memory have been thwarted by badly-timed appearances of puffer fish, a non-native squirrel, and a woman jogging in a Spandex tank top. Unless we can find a way to keep him focused for more than seventeen seconds, this knowledge may be forever lost. At this time, we’re planning to—SQUIRREL!


Where was I?

Annie (aka Tubby) has succeeded in gaining enough weight to form her own gravitational pull. She is currently being orbited by toys, kibbles, and the occasional hapless insect. This pleases her immensely.

Midget, meanwhile, has been satisfied with slightly less ambitious projects, such as being a paperweight, eating the corner of Lori’s laptop screen, and chasing the mysterious red dot that appears on the floor from time to time.

It’s been a bit of a challenging year for Lori. Thanks to the Freedom of Information Act, information poachers on Google have been learned that Lori knows Chuck Norris’s only weakness, can wear white shoes after Labor Day, and is Keyser SÓ§ze. Fortunately, most people who attempt to harass her about any of these facts are easily distracted by cat pictures with funny captions or, in extreme circumstances, YouTube videos involving feline shenanigans.

So that’s the year in review for the Witt household. Oh, and Eddie became a watch commander, is now LPO of the command Color Guard team, and is transferring to the training department to twist and corrupt the pliable young minds of junior sailors. Lori sold eleven more books for a total of sixteen, saw eight released during 2010, and scored a contract for teaching creative writing at one of the local bases. We also made it through an entire year without being thrown out of any eating establishment.

All in all, 2010 was a good year. Here’s hoping 2011 is even better.

Happy Holidays from the Witts

Eddie, Lori, Annie, & Midget


  1. We also made it through an entire year without being thrown out of any eating establishment.

    You must try harder in 2011 :D

    Eight books released is in awesome accomplishment that I will better shortly after hell freezes over and pigs fly. Many contratulations and keep up the good work.

    And the fish bothering.

  2. This is so freaking hilarious! LOVE IT!