Sunday, March 8, 2009

The Witt List.

Some of you are probably familiar with "The Skippy List". If you're not, Google it.

This is our own list, "The Witt List". In short, it is a list of things that Eddie and I are no longer allowed to do on Okinawa. Either because:

a) we figure we'll get in trouble if we get caught
b) we did get in trouble because we did get caught (and by "we" I mean Eddie)
c) the very thought makes me giggle for more than 15 seconds, so it's obviously a bad idea
d) doing so is not prejudicial to good order and discipline in the Okinawa region.

We will be adding to this list as time goes on, because I'm sure we will have cause to, so check back from time to time. (Note that "I" can refer to either Eddie or myself; sometimes it will be obvious, sometimes it won't. Use your imagination.)

1. We will not skip through the commissary parking lot banging coconuts together and announcing that Eddie is "Arthur, King of the Britons".

2. I will not call in to the local radio station and talk trash about the Air Force while using my real name.

3. I will not call in to the local radio station and talk trash about the Air Force while using an alias.

4. The Holy Grail is NOT in Katsuren Castle.

5. I may not have "just a little bit of peril" at Shuri Castle, because Shuri Castle is NOT Castle Anthrax.

6. A sign with a picture of a jellyfish and a bunch of red Kanji is NOT a sign for a jellyfish petting zoo, and it is wrong to tell small children otherwise.

7. The lack of a safety railing is not an invitation to climb on, jump around on, dangle from, or otherwise taunt the laws of physics on the cliffs at Cape Hedo.

8. I will not drag race with the local cabs.

9. I will not drag race with the local cops.

10. A star on the windshield of the car next to me is not an invitation to drag race, particularly if I am in uniform.

11. It is not necessary to completely re-enact the moment in which one king overthrew the other at Katsuren Castle by pushing the aforementioned king over the walls.

12. It is not prejudicial to good order and discipline in the Okinawa region to commit acts of domestic violence in the checkout line at the matter how badly Eddie deserves it.

13. When visiting a dam or a dam museum, every dam joke has been done at least a hundred times, damn it.

14. I will not scream at other drivers for doing the same things I do every five minutes. (Note: Lori does not yet have a Japanese driver's license. Do the math on this one.)

15. I will not stuff an octopus in my mouth at dinner without first warning my wife to avert her eyes.

16. I will not imitate the French at Okinawan Castles in order to taunt other tourists, even if their mother WAS a hamster and their father DOES smell of elderberries.

17. I will not threaten my husband, his higher-ups, his co-workers, his commanding officer, the base chaplain, or the guy at the airport with my PhotoShop prowess.

18. "I couldn't read the words, I only speak English" is not a valid excuse when the sign also has pictures that make the message abundantly clear.

19. The Marines stationed at Futenma don't think it's funny to call their base "Futurama".

20. When discussing the content of Lori's novels in public, it is important to remember that most of the locals do, in fact, understand English.

21. Golf carts are not toys.

22. Golf courses are not playgrounds.

23. It is not nice to show a co-worker photos of the local orthodontist's handiwork as a not-so-subtle hint that she has a jacked-up grill.

24. The flight line is not a driver's ed course, an autocross course, or a drag race strip.

25. While in line at a Japanese restaurant, I will not loudly speculate about the contents of the menu item "American Dog".

26. Using ancient Okinawan castles to re-enact Monty Python and the Search for the Holy Grail is not prejudicial to good order and discipline in the Okinawa region.

27. It is not appropriate to heckle the chaplain during presentations.

28. Large red letters proclaiming the words "No Swimming" in perfect English are not an invitation to perform a cannonball.

29. Super-Soakers, water balloons, slingshots, BB guns, crossbows, and M16's are neither effective nor socially acceptable means for dealing with children who won't STFU when walking past our apartment.

30. Just because that room in the castle served as a bathroom in the 15th century does not mean that it is appropriate to use it as such in the 21st.

31. In the commissary, we will not loudly debate whether or not to buy a specific item based on whether or not it is in The Zombie Survival Guide's list of items to keep on hand in case of a zombie attack.

32. The look another customer gave me when I explained the purpose of our "zombie stash" was not an expression of "oh my God, I never thought of that". It was a look of "holy crap, you need pills", and I should not allow myself to feel smug about the fact that I convinced yet another family to start keeping a zombie stash.

33. I am not a ninja. People do see me.

34. It is not nice to put rubber snakes in the dispensing trays of the Coke machines just because real snakes often hide in the same and it's fun to watch people freak out.

35. It is not wise to play hacky sack with sea urchins.

36. Particularly barefoot.

37. The list of "places where Habu usually sleep" is list of places to avoid for our own personal safety...not a checklist.

38. That lady's toddler was a visitor to the temple just like we were. He was not there to take part in a human sacrifice.

39. If it's alive, and we can't identify it, we should assume it's poisonous.

40. If we assume it's poisonous, we shouldn't touch, taunt, or play with it.

41. The sandwiches served on planes are not made in sweat shops by little children who misbehave on flights, and it is wrong to tell misbehaving children that they are.

42. When eating lobster, it is not appropriate to use the non-edible parts of said lobster as finger puppets, masks, weapons, projectiles, straws, toothpicks, or catapults.

43. Plastic mermaids, parrots, and other objects placed on the rims of tropical drinks are decorations, and should not be put into compromising positions, regardless of how well they fit.

44. When dining out in town, it is not socially acceptable to laugh hysterically and make comments about the phallic shape of a dessert item.

45. Even if it's 8 inches tall and wiggles.

46. Loaves of French bread are not weapons.

47. The stamp at the cash register at the commissary is to be used for stamping checks...not Lori's forehead, Eddie's head, or Eddie's arm.



  1. LOL I wonder who number 12 is referring to.

  2. Is this like a shit-list gone X-rated?

    I laughed myself stupid at this post.

  3. Dont forget Must not photoshop inocent family members!!

  4. I don't PhotoShop innocent family members. You are NOT innocent, DAVE.

  5. I need to make note of #33... unfortunately. And #32... is this list posted online anywhere?

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  7. Holy Shit. Must try some of this at West Point and see if the same rules of DON'T apply.
    Love finding a new blog to read!!!

  8. I love the was hilarious!!! cat

  9. PS..list was also a little a good way...but I am used to scarey....c

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  11. This was hilarious! Especially since I used to be a military (army) wife. Play nice with the locals...but keep the list coming! LMAO

  12. After spending many tours to Okinawa, I can relate to some of the things you have in your 'Witt" list.

    Couple of places you might wanna look at are Nagahgoska (sp?) castle. very interesting.

    Also, up by Nago there is a beautiful botanical garden with statues dedicated to some Okinawans that acted as nurses for the Japanese during the landing of the Americans. I believe that this is also where the Japanese command center was.

  13. You know they did call it the mile high coconut cream pie

  14. OMG.. You guys are freaking hilarious. I love it.